Wedding vows are often beautiful, emotional and deeply sincere. There are smiling couples, teary brides and grooms, proud parents and promises to love each other forever. But there is an important question we rarely ask: Are our wedding vows really a commitment to the marriage we are about to build, or are they simply a description of how we feel on our wedding day? The wedding day is a wonderful moment. But marriage is not one moment. It is a relationship that may last 20, 30, 40 or more years—and the people standing at the altar will inevitably change during that time. That is why I believe couples need realistic vows: commitments that recognise where they are in their relationship and what they will need from each other as their lives unfold. A wedding is a line in the sand In my book Mutual Healing After the Affair, I argue for greater informed consent when couples make the decision to commit to a life together. Think about buying a house. Before making that commitment, we examine the contract, understand the obligations and consider whether we can realistically meet them. It is, in many ways, an "eyes wide open" decision. Choosing a life partner is arguably an even more profound commitment. Yet couples are rarely given the same opportunity to carefully consider what they are actually committing to. The wedding ceremony provides an opportunity to change that. Rather than simply promising that we will always feel the same way about each other, our vows can become a line in the sand—a conscious statement about how we intend to approach our relationship when life inevitably changes. Love is important—but it isn't enough Of course, love, passion, affection and closeness are important. Hopefully they will be regular parts of a couple's life together. But feelings change. There will be times when work, children, financial pressures, illness, family responsibilities or simply exhaustion make it difficult to feel loving and connected. There may even be periods when both partners desperately need some space from each other. If we believe that a successful relationship means always feeling in love, those inevitable periods of disconnection can become frightening. We can start asking: "What's wrong with us?" "Have we fallen out of love?" "Does this mean we're no longer right for each other?" A more realistic approach recognises that the quality of a relationship cannot be measured by the intensity of feelings on any particular day. Instead, we need commitments that help us navigate the changing landscape of a long-term relationship. This is where the You, Me, Us model becomes particularly useful. You, Me and Us: Three commitments within one relationship A healthy long-term relationship involves three interconnected elements: You – who you are as an individual. Me – who I am as an individual. Us – the relationship we create together. A strong relationship doesn't require either person to disappear into the couple. Instead, each person continues to grow while also investing in the relationship. That means our vows need to recognise all three. I will continue to grow as a person. I will support your growth as a person. And we will continue to work on the growth of our relationship. But what those commitments look like will change depending on where the couple is in their journey. For young, newly connected couples: "How will we grow together?" For a young couple who are newly committed to each other, the central question might be: How do we grow as a couple while continuing to grow as individuals? You may be beginning adult life together. Careers may change. Children may arrive. Friendships and family relationships may evolve. Your priorities at 25 or 30 may be very different from those you have at 40 or 50. Your vows could therefore focus on a commitment to remain curious about one another. "I promise not to assume that I will always know who you are. I will remain interested in the person you are becoming." "I will support your growth, even when that growth takes you in directions I didn't expect." "I will continue to work with you to build an 'Us' that reflects the people we are becoming." This is a very different commitment from promising that you will simply love each other forever. It acknowledges something much more realistic: We don't know exactly who we will become—but we are committing to growing together. For couples who have been together for a while: "What does this commitment mean now?" Not every wedding involves two people who are starting their relationship. Some couples have already been together for many years. They may have lived together, built careers, raised children, experienced successes and endured difficult periods before deciding to formalise their commitment. For these couples, the question is different. What does this commitment mean for our ongoing relationship? The vows can acknowledge the relationship that already exists while making a conscious commitment to what comes next. "We have already shared many chapters of our lives. I don't promise that the next chapters will be easy, but I promise that I will continue to invest in us." "I will keep making room for you as you change, and I will ask you to make room for me as I change." "When life puts pressure on us, I will remember that the problem is something we need to face together, rather than something that makes one of us the problem." These vows recognise that commitment isn't something completed on the wedding day. It is something we continue to choose and practise. For second and subsequent relationships: "How do we bring newness to this relationship?" For couples entering a second or subsequent significant relationship, there is another important dimension. We don't arrive in a new relationship empty-handed. We bring our history with us. Previous relationships may have given us wisdom, but they may also have left hurt, fear, habits and assumptions that can influence the new relationship. The important question becomes: How do we heal from previous relationships so that we can bring newness to this one? This doesn't mean pretending the past didn't happen. It means taking responsibility for understanding what we learned, what we need to let go of and what we don't want to repeat. The vows might include: "I will not ask you to pay for the mistakes of someone who came before you." "I will try to recognise when my past is influencing how I respond to you." "I will work on healing the parts of myself that could otherwise prevent me from being fully present in this relationship." "I will give this relationship the opportunity to become something new, rather than expecting it to repeat what happened before." That can be a profoundly meaningful commitment. Because you are not my previous partner, and this relationship is not my previous relationship. Realistic vows create realistic expectations Perhaps the most important thing about realistic vows is that they don't diminish romance. They make the romance more meaningful. Instead of promising something we cannot control—"I will always feel exactly as I do today"—we promise something we can influence: I will keep growing. I will support your growth. I will invest in us. I will be honest when things become difficult. I will remain curious about who you are becoming. And I will work with you to create a relationship that can change as our lives change. The commitment is not that nothing will change. The commitment is that we will learn how to change together. What matters when we are 30 may not be what matters when we are 45. We may become parents. Our careers may change. We may face illness, loss, relocation or financial pressures. Eventually our children may become independent and leave home. Each stage creates a different relationship—and requires us to renegotiate what "Us" means. Your vows should belong to your relationship There is no single set of perfect wedding vows. The right vows depend upon You, Me and Us—and where you are in your journey together. For a new couple, the commitment may be about growing together. For a long-established couple, it may be about renewing and deepening an existing commitment. For a couple beginning again, it may be about healing the past and creating something genuinely new. Perhaps the most important vow is therefore not: "I promise that I will always feel this way about you." Perhaps it is: "I promise to keep learning how to be your partner." Because a lifelong relationship isn't created by two people who stay the same. It is created by two people who are prepared to keep becoming—and to keep discovering how You, Me and Us can grow together.
